if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*pronounces patio like ratio
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them