If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wait a second…
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Eating for two.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.