If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Always the vampires
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
