If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
secret recipe
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Bootstraps
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
