If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
meow
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
