Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.