Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

You know…for fall…

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men