Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa

#DadJoke

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Alexa turn off the planet

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

this made my day 😂

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder