If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time