If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?