If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: