Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Bond. Trauma bond.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

Cat is stressing him out.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.