If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
📽️movie date🎞️
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.