Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.