I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.