@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

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@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@pippydrydocking

If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don’t be open.

@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

@forcemajeure40

She said she was a free spirit. That’s good. Wasn’t sure how I’d pay for a spirit.

@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@awesomeseank

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.