If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.