Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

You are what you delete.

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about