If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?