Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…