Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

can you read it!!??

maan!

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.