Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite