If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat