If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
🤣🤣🤣
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me opening up to someone
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok