Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

dogs can find happiness so easily

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*