If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Me too
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana