If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …