If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
You Might Also Like
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I am a gravy boat captain
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
stop
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”