Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

good for her

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

This joke is 7 years old

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)