If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips