Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Flowers bee like

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.