Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush