Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

selena gomez