If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.