@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

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@thebeckyard

Always carry $10,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feeling like getting a meal at an airport.

@JustinSayne722

Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?

Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.

T: ….

@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

@jonnysun

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

@SlipperySecret

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

@TheHyyyype

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@Home_Halfway

{in the ER}
WIFE: My husband broke his leg
ME: From sex
W: He fell off a ladder
ME: During sex
W: While painting
ME: Painting sex
W: SHUT UP