If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.