Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Reporter: *ports again*

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

2022: I can fix it

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?