Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.