If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
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