If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Eating for two.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.