If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Meow
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.