If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground