He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Smells like a challenge to me