*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula