Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”