Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

good news everyone

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Feel. He’s so soft.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”