If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.