If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.