If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*watches the world burn*
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Only Americans understand
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.