If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You Might Also Like
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah