If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.