If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Order here:
More here:
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
March 16
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.