Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.