If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
never forget
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car