If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.


I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert


ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?


“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.


Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.


If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!


“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*


Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.