If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?