@MomOfTeen

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

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@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@AndrewChamings

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

@TheWinegasm

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@Sickayduh

“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*

@heatherlou_

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.