If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
