Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I have never related to anyone more.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes