Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

welp

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car