If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.