If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
This is me 🤣🤣
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.