If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Finally! 😈
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Incredible customer service.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise