If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.