Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.