Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet