Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Noah was an idiot.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’