Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.