If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
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Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car