Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

so much to do

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked