Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

A decision was made here.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

How to draw a duck

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.