Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.