Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

You better wish for more oil

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Fluff me with a fork baby

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face