If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Phones down.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers