if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
the three genders
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.