if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it